Flashypants!

This is a pic taken from my latest project:  Flashypants (as played by Todd Morgan).  I've written a couple of short scripts (sketches, really), and helped come up with the concept for the first movie, now playing on the YouTubes (if you wanna see it, click either link above).

The projects are for an event called Dancing With The High Country Stars, which raises money for local charities around the Boone and Blowing Rock area.  Should be a blast!

I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change

This weekend only at the Hayes Performing Arts Center in Blowing Rock, NC.  More info HERE!

Help Yourself to Some Self-Help

I've never been much for self-help books, or the people that read them incessantly.  What a waste of time and money!  But then, over the last few years, I became one of those people.  Now here I sit, combing the internet day after day for the latest weight-loss tome.  You know the ones I'm talking about:  "You're Fat and Everybody Hates You, Now Change".  "Hug Your Weight Away".  "A Porker's Guide to Pill Popping".  "Jonah's Seafood Diet, Or 'How I Conquered The Whale in Me'".   I have been searching for an easy answer to my age-old question:  How did I get this big, and how do I get smaller?  I've spent so many dollars trying to find this answer in this psychiatrist's book, or that random doctor's book.  Guess what?  The answer doesn't lie in any book.  Know why?  Because the answer lies in a mere a sentence.  Not even a whole sentence, but a fragment of a sentence.

Exercise more, eat less.

Doesn't get much easier than that, does it?  "Exercise more, eat less."  So simple, yet so complicated.  Why complicated?  Because of The Demon.

In my early blog entries (I think, anyway...it's been so long since I read those early entries), I wrote about the demon, or monster, that lives inside my head.  The one that says "Go ahead, Joey.  Stop at Taco Bell.  Burrito Supremes are only 99 cents this month, and they are oh-so-tasty.  And they're good for you, too.  Sour cream?  DAIRY!  Flat, steamy iceberg lettuce?  VEGETABLE!  And the not-quite-red-ripe tomatoes?  FRUIT!  Add in the zesty half-beef / half-possum "meat" concoction, and you've almost got yourself a food pyramid of Pharaonic proportions, wrapped up in a low-fat flour tortilla!  Go ahead, get three of them.  You deserve to be healthy, don't you?"  That demon wants me dead, and won't rest until I'm six feet underground.  Or scattered ashes along the Outer Banks.  Or burning bright on a funeral pyre, my sword and shield at my side, while naked pagan girls dance around giving thanks to The Goddess for whatever the hell they usually thank Her for.  That last one sounds kinda awesome, actually...

Lookit, I know how I got this large.  I ate too much.  I didn't exercise enough.  Duh.  And I know how to thin out.  Eat less.  Exercise more.  Double Duh.  But what I don't know is how to control my food demon.  Some psychiatrist would tell me to look in the mirror, give myself a great big hug, and say "I love you, Joey".  Give me a break.  A doctor would call me "Sir Fats-a-Lot" and try to sign me up for gastric bypass surgery.  A preacher would say "Turn to God in prayer, my son" as he passed me a collection plate.  The truth is, all of these choices have some validity.  They have all helped one person or another get through some tough times, when their demon (alcohol, drugs, or in my case, food) came a-callin'.  But none of these choices have worked for me.

Why is that?

Because I am one hard-headed motherf*cker, that's why.  I haven't given any of these "answers" a fair shake.  I feel stupid looking in the mirror and saying "I Love You" to a reflection.  I'm scared of being told "You'll never eat Indian food again" right before I'm cut open like a piggie at a Farm Life hog killing and getting 3/4 of my stomach stitched up, never to be heard from again.  And at times I'm too cynical to believe that a God who allows such misery in His world would give two shits about my demon plight.  But if I keep shunning the many answers to my problems, how on Earth do I expect my situation to change?  It won't.  It hasn't.  And things are going to stay stagnant until I change my attitude.  Because in the end, the only way I'll survive my demon attacks is by changing my attitude towards myself, towards the food I eat, and towards the learned healers of the Body (Take your vitamins), Mind (Get all lovey-dovey with your reflection) and Spirit (Say your prayers).  Before a change can happen, I've got to believe a change is possible.  Otherwise, Change is impossible.

So where does that leave me?  With a bookshelf full of paperweights, er, I mean self-help books.  But I'm also left with a new outlook.  In the morning, as I stand over my sink and wash my face (and whatever other body parts I manage to find), I'm going to look in the mirror and say something along the lines of "I love you, Joey.  You're not such a bad guy after all.  You are definitely worth taking care of."  I'm also going to Church for the first time in many, many years, where I will pray with as much sincerity as I can muster:  "God, I don't understand you at all.  But I believe in you.  Please save me from the demon inside me."  And I'm going to continue to pray throughout the day, every time the demon rears his ugly rear and farts in my face (which he does with alarming regularity).  Finally, I'm going to drink my shakes, and take my vitamins.  AND I'm going to the gym and swim for an hour.  I'll be in full prayer mode as I drive to the gym and back again, because that's when the demon becomes belligerent, attacking me at every stop light.  "LOOK! A Burger King.  LOOK!  Taco Bell!  OOOOOooooo...pizza!  Couldn't we stop, just this one last time?"

Have I mentioned that my Demon is an asshole?

This isn't the first time I've stood here (OK...sat here) and written great prophecies of what would come to pass.  I have written many lies that started out as The Truth.  This may turn out the same way.  But right now I've got great intentions.  Tomorrow's going to be a very good day, I can't wait to wake up and carpe diem.  But before I wake up, I'll need to fall to sleep first, right?  But I'm not tired.  What should I do?  I KNOW!  I'll read a book.  Oh man...where the hell did I put all those self-help books?  Just when I could actually use one of them, too...

How to Lose Weight and Influence People

A few people have asked me how I've lost my 32 (and counting) pounds. I wrote this e-mail to a friend today, and I think it sums everything up nicely:

"This Battle of the Bulge is an eternal struggle, ain't it? Mindset is the most important thing, as you already know. If I didn't have my mindset right, I would be failing miserably. Not that I haven't had days of failure. But I've only had one major setback in three weeks, and that's saying something (It's all Burger King's fault!).

The second most important aspect of my present diet is family/friend support. My mom and my sister are dieting with me. My mom's lost 15 pounds! This is my 4th week, and I've lost 32 pounds so far. So I'm very happy, but not cocky. Because I know how easy it is to slip-slide back into the drive-thru line at Taco Bell.

To aid in my quest to see my rib cage at least once before I die, I am doing nutritional shakes - two a day - from this company called Body By Vi. My cousin Cheryl got me hooked on them, and I am very thankful.  The shakes are fairly tasty and are filling, so they usually keep me from overeating. They don't deal with the psychological b.s., of course. I still want to eat an entire cow, rolled in flower and deep fried in pig fat. With a side of mayonnaise. But the shakes help me focus on my goal: to get healthy. They are not a 'magic bullet', but they are helping me tremendously.

The shakes can be mixed with milk, orange juice, all different kinds of ingredients (no, 'butter and cheese' are NOT acceptable ingredients). Two shakes a day, and one 'sensible' meal. The 'sensible meal' can make or break you. At least I think so. One bad choice can lead to the Taco Bell backslide mentioned above. Because I'm a bit on the obsessive side, I have become recipe crazy (hence my over-sharing 'broccoli salad' FB entry from earlier today). BUT that's a good thing, because I'm thinking of recipes I can make [and] eat, but are good for me (for the most part). Tomorrow I'm making my own personal pizzas, under 400 [calories] each. I'll have two, plus my two shakes, and that'll be my day, food-wise."

So, there you have it. Mindset + Loved Ones' Support + Nutritional Shakes + Sensible Meal(s) = Weight Loss. Wow, it's like MAGIC!  And you're right, I haven't mentioned exercise.  That's an adventure best saved for a different entry.

If you want to try the shakes, you can order them through my website (I don't really like the website, but I don't know of another way to order the product).  I am NOT trying to sell these things to you, a-la-Amway. I do not make any money if you sign up, and I don't care all that much about getting my product for free. I'm just sharing what's worked for me, and the shakes have definitely been a positive factor here recently.

Thanks everyone for your continued love and support. If you'd like more info, feel free to leave a comment/question, Facebook me or email me.

Pity Party, Party of One

Unless your name is Charlie Sheen, a drug user does not move out of an opium den and check into rehab, just to check out 30 days later and move into a crackhouse.  Right?  And yet, that's what I feel like I've done.  I moved away from my home in Charlotte, where I was ordering take out almost every night, paying for it with money I didn't really have, until I could barely move anymore.  Then I lost my job, my house and my mind (not necessarily in that order), and by the end of June I had no place left to go except back home to Farm Life.  Like it or not, home is where my faulty food foundation was built.  I was taught that Food would always be there waiting for you, even when  friends were unavailable.  And unlike family, Food would not judge you or constantly point out your faults.  Right or wrong, this was the mindset I learned.  Picked on at school?  Here, have a cookie.  Didn't do well on a test?  McDonald's is just around the corner with a quarter pound of Love (with cheese).  She told you she wanted to "just be friends"?  Mmmmm...red velvet cake.  I learned to substitute food for self esteem.

For those of you just tuning in, this is NOT GOOD!

How exactly do YOU cope with Life?  Seriously, I want to know.  Personally, I cope with food.  WHY do I constantly think about food?  For the same reason I stay logged into this computer.  The same reason the TV is always on at the house.  The same reason the radio is always on in the car.  I don't want any kind of quiet time, because that's when I start thinking and reflecting.  About past mistakes, bad calls, terrible judgement.  About relationships (romantic and otherwise) gone south, gone for good.  About work-related opportunities come and gone.  Why the hell would I want to think about these things?  Seriously, why?

I want to disconnect from this world I've created.  I want the people I've met to all go away.  I want a re-do. I want to go back in time to my 18th birthday, when there were decisions to be made, plans to hatch.  I want to go to a different college, I want to study different subjects, I want to fall in love with different women, I want to move to NYC and work my way up to head writer on SNL, I want a wife, I want kids, I want my sister back, I want my fucking KNEES back, I want I want I want.  So fucking SELFISH!  None of these things are ever going to happen, we get one life and one life only, and I have squandered mine.  YES I AM HAVING A PITY PARTY, COME JOIN ME, WON'T YOU?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

OK.  Pity Party over.  I am back.  Back home, back in Reality.

Here is Reality:  I am 500+ pounds.  I can't walk without the aid of a walker.  I sometimes piss myself.  I have not taken a shower in a long, long time which, coupled with the previous sentence, makes for a various array of wondrous aromas.  My father sleeps all day, and cries out unintelligibly most of the night.  That is, when he's not coughing - trying desperately not to drown in his own saliva, mucus, whatever.  My mother is either taking care of her grandchildren (which is her greatest joy), or my father, or my grandmother, or...me.  She is my greatest fan and greatest foe (food-wise), and I feel guilty for needing her at this stage in my life (and hers).  My sister is dead, and has been for over seven years, and it seems as if everyone has moved on but me.  I have had squandered every major job opportunity that has come my way, to the point where I am all-but-unemployable.  That doesn't really matter though, because I can't work anyway:  I can only walk a few steps at a time, I can't lift anything other than my fat ass, I can only stand for a minute at a time, and I can only sit for an hour or so before the pain in my knees becomes excruciating and I have to LAY down like an invalid.  I hate being in this house, but I hate being out in the world even more.  This is Reality.

But you know what?  So is this:  I am Loved.  In spite of all of the above, I am Loved.  My mother let's me live here at home until I get back on my feet, both figuratively and literally.  My sister invites me over to her home once a week so I can get a little more human interaction, and so I can play with my beautiful niece and nephew (not to mention "Wheel of Fortune" on Wii!).  I have friends that check on me via Facebook, this blog, phone, and even in person.  I can walk, even if it's in a limited capacity.  I can still laugh, and I can still make others laugh.  I can play my guitar and sing almost any song I can think of.  And most importantly, I'm writing again.  Even if it's only a blog.

I am not alone.  There are others out there struggling to make sense of their life.  Some are large and no-longer-in-charge, just like me.  Others are lost for so many different reasons.  My Reality isn't what it could be, or should be.  But my Reality ain't all that bad, either.  I am still Blessed.  I pray this will be my last Pity Party for awhile.  Blogging it out sure does feel a whole lot better than stuffing my face.  Although now that I think about it, it sure would be nice to stuff my face.

DAMNIT!  Will the madness ever end?

Laughter and Lunch

Before I even begin, let me go ahead and apologize for all the links.  I can't help it, there's just so much fair - to - middling material out there on the internets, and I want to share it all with YOU!


Stephen Colbert is my favorite political pundit.  In fact, I’m starting to find that my most trusted news source (aside from NPR) is Comedy Central’s one-two punch of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.  On a nightly basis, Colbert and his bff Jon Stewart reveal both the hilarities (Oh yes I DID just made up a word!) and the hypocrisies (usually at the same time) of our country’s government, corporations and especially our news media.  I’m not saying The Daily Show and The Report should replace actual news, but since it’s so hard to FIND actual news on tv these days (I’m not naming names…CNN, MSNBC and FOX NEWS), they’ll do until I can listen to All Things Considered during my afternoon drive...not that I'm driving much these days. 


The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. (the character portrayed by Colbert on TCR) expertly mimics the babbling boobs that flood our airwaves and inundate our brains with vitriol, half-truths and full-on lies (again, not naming any names here...anyone receiving a paycheck from Fox News).  But Colbert doesn't just give us his take on the nightly news.  He also sets his satiric sites on medicine, technology, sports, even kids' issues.  My favorite segments are the food segments (what a surprise!) entitled Thought for Food.  I recently shared a link to his piece on the Taco Bell "Where's the Beef" lawsuit.


And the food thoughts just keep a-coming - Stephen's latest Thought for Food


Don't like that one?  Here are a few more to choose from - Choose another Thought for Food segment


Why highlight these on my blog?  Because our food industry is killing you, me, us, them, everyone we know.  If we're not going to do anything about it, let's at least laugh about it.  Turns out the truth hurts, but it's also kinda funny, too.  If you want a few more fun food facts (minus the fun), feel free to watch the laugh-track-free documentary FOOD, INC (it's still streaming via Netflix, if you have a subscription).  It didn't turn me into a vegetarian, but it came pretty damn close.


OK, it's kinda obvious that I've been putting off the inevitable personal update, so here it goes.


If you read my last post, you know that I was planning a trip to Raleigh to visit my cousin and to see a couple of movies.  My goal was to go the whole trip without stopping at one fast food restaurant.  I'm happy to report that I did indeed achieve that goal.  However, I'm sad to report that instead of stopping at ONE fast food restaurant, I stopped at TWO!    Looking at all of that nutritional info is very depressing.  Fast Food restaurants should be required to print out and hand over nutritional data to a customer, all based on whatever the customer has just ordered.  The customer then signs a waiver stating that:

1. S/he has read all of the nutritional info.
2. S/he will in no way hold the restaurant responsible for their weight problem, diabetes, high blood pressure, and/or untimely death.
3. S/he doesn't mind dying all for the want of a cheeseburger.

I'm not saying this would work.  But it's worth considering.  Now that I've read that info, I'm gonna think twice before I head out to the Sonic Drive-In (but damn-it-to-hell, they have TOTS!).  


Today is going to be a better day.  I had blueberry yogurt for breakfast, and am now contemplating lunch.  Probably gonna be a ham and or turkey sandwich on wheat bread.  We'll see.  So long as it's not another cheeseburger.  I think I could go the rest of my life without eating another cheeseburger.  Or at least until Friday.


I think it's time to visit SparkPeople for a Meal Plan.

Discoveries, Goals and a Word of Thanks

Since giving the ol' blog a kick-start last week, so many friends have sent messages and left comments offering me words of advice and encouragement.  I want you all to know that it's very much appreciated.  I remind myself that I started this blog for myself.  I want to write about my weight issues, and i want to be held accountable for my actions.  I told myself that it doesn't matter if the world can't/won't/doesn't really want to read along.  But you know what?  It does matter.   I want people to read along.  I want people to read it, to laugh at it and maybe even learn from it.  That's why I am grateful to those of you who take five minutes out of your day to check up on me by reading these latest entries.  Thanks also for leaving your comments.  Your time, effort and words of comfort mean so much to me.  Thank you.


My good friend Hallie turned me on to an excellent weight loss blog: www.whoatemyblog.com. It's the very personal story of Stephen Vinson, a 30-ish guy who was over 100 pounds bigger than me when he started his journey (I've found that most big'ns - myself included - LOVE to view their weight loss as a "journey", as well we should).  He's tackling his weight issues (and all of the other issues that accompany obesity - depression, high blood pressure, aching joints, etc.) in the nick of time, before everything starts to give out on him, health-wise.  Too bad I didn't have the balls to do the same thing when I was his age.  But hey, better late than never, right?


I find I use a lot of (parenthesis) and ...ellipses..., usually for no good reason.  And now that I've pointed this out, you'll notice their (over)usage from here on out, and it is gonna bug the ever-lovin' HELL out of you.  Oh, and I also use ALL CAPS to add EMPHASIS to certain WORDS!  I've got writing crutches, and that ain't no lie... (SEE WHAT I MEAN?!)


My fernday Nancy sent me a couple of links to the A&E show HEAVY (remember when A&E used to stand for Arts and Entertainment, neither of which appear on the channel with any regularity anymore).  I don't usually go in for weight loss shows - to this day, I've never watched a single episode of THE BIGGEST LOSER - but I decided to give this one a shot.  I must say it was pretty good, and I was somewhat inspired by the stories being told.  But maybe because I'm an addict at heart, it just left me wanting more.  One of the problems is they try to tell two weight loss stories in 44 minutes, and I don't think that does either story justice.  I wish they'd concentrated on just one person, or expanded the episode to an hour and a half, or something.  But of course in this world of short attention spans, that ain't gonna happen.  I'm going to give HEAVY another shot, I think it has potential.


The coolest thing about all of these weight-loss blogs/shows/etc. is the realization that my story isn't just "My Story".  There are countless "My Story"s that need to be told.  You may say "Well, DUH!  We're living in the fattest nation on the planet.  Of course there are others!"  True.  But because I'm living this isolated life, I often feel like I am the fattest person living in the fattest nation on the planet.  Know what that feels like?  Like SHIT, that's what.  But I know I'm not alone.  There's a whole mess of us out there.  But many of us choose to live our lives in solitary confinement, mainly due to shame.  But that's an entry for another day.


Finally, my sister Candi offers encouragement via example.  Read her blog (and read it often) to find out more.  My life would be all-but-pointless without Candi and her family.  My Facebook Friends already know how much I love-love-LOVE my niece and nephew.  But I don't think I've given Candi the props she deserves.  Besides my mother, she is the most special woman in my life, bar none.  And without her love and support, I wouldn't be here right now, I guarantee.  I love you, my sweet sister. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I'm crying.


OK, back to the task at hand:  Goals.  Tonight is a last hurrah of sorts.  On Tuesdays, my favorite restaurant (Boss Hog's in Washington NC...never was there a more aptly-named restaurant) has MEATLOAF!  And mac 'n' cheese.  Yum.   So tonight, I'm gonna have my last slab of meatloaf for a loooooooong time.  Saying "no" to the other stuff is gonna be easy compared to this.


Next hurdle is coming up on Wednesday.  I'm heading up to Raleigh to visit my cousin to see a movie or two.  Normally when I travel, I eat like a mo-fo (I won't tell you what I scarfed down last Wednesday night after a movie double feature, for fear of intense judgement and digestive retribution).  Besides my own personal weakness, the biggest blame goes out to the almighty Fast Food Drive-Thru Window.  A drive-thru is a fat cripple's best friend at first, and worst nightmare in the long run.  I'd LOVE to meet the bastard that created the first drive-thru window.  I'd shake his hand, and then proceed to kick him in the nuts.  My goal for Wednesday is to drive to Raleigh and back without stopping at any number of fast food joints, even though I know that somewhere along Hwy 64 East, there will be at least two McGriddle sandwiches calling out to me in the sweetest, syrupiest of tones.  I will do my very best to ignore their call.  I realize this may sound easy to some of you, but believe me it's NOT.  It is Hard Work.  And I usually HATE Hard Work.  But you know what?  I don't have to think about all of that right now.  In fact, I'm not going to worry it at all, today.  I'll think about it tomorrow.  Yes, that's what I'm gonna do!  After all, tomorrow is another day...


Wow, two GONE WITH THE WIND references in two days.  I think I deserve a medal or something.